Corner-Carvers Dot Com

Sensitivity Training

Faculty:  Brian Provost (BP), Nick Mollison (NM), John Lindsey (JWL)

Upon completion of this curriculum, you'll be prepared for Graduate Study of Suck It! which incorporates a 3 month internship with CC.com Featured Drivers or Admins.

as seen on:  http://web.archive.org/web/20010731233252/http://www.corner-carvers.com/forum/ubb/Forum4/HTML/000237.html

Purpose:

In light of the recent criticism regarding the frequent usage of the phrase "Suck it!" and spontaneous outbursts of caveman behavior, I'm going to have to ask everyone to put aside some time for Corner Carvers Sensitivity Training before we move on and conquer what is left of the racing world.
We must learn to get along with each other and to promote solidarity. I, as lead lecturer of the Corner Carvers Sensitivity Training, will stop calling people "little bitches" and "cock turkeys". I'll replace Edgy Brian with Compassionate Brian.

Origination of Suck It (BP):

Let me tell you a little story about The Corral...
Back in the day, they tried with great diligence to run with the "suck it" theme. Unfortunately, resident IQ and syntax problems over there usually resulted with the members saying "It Sucks" or "Suck what?" and even the venerable "we all suck large type man meat through a straw".

Here at CC.com we embraced "Suck It!" for all it's worth. It's not just "suck it" anymore. We added the "!", like Yahoo! mind you, because we are biggest, baddest, sons of bitches and the most demonstrative band of merry men on the Net.

So now we've taken "suck it" to "Suck It!" but the timing was off. Way off! We brought in some Madison Avenue types and they gave us "Suck It!" at "Sega!" speeds. It tested better with the 18-35 female demographic, too.

These days, "Suck It!" has become our war cry and victory speech all-in-one. It's also the entirety of pre-event prayer. You've never seen CC.com at it's finest until you see us huddled at mid-field or Driver's Lounges for a group "Suck it!" prayer. Let me tell you, God digs that shit! (Note: To get God's support, I told him that "Suck It!" was directed at those people who spread his word at major traffic intersections. He thought that was a great way to proxy some managerial snide.)

So "suck it" became "Suck It!" which became "Suck It! (at Sega! speed). Now we just needed some way to get the message across from a distance greater than the voice allows. This is where John Lindsey came in with his legendary "fist full of genitalia", or FFOG!, maneuver. Now, instead of remaining silent at a distance, we can signal the "Suck It!" momentum worldwide.

Embrace "Suck It!", just don't embrace each other and "suck it".

And that's how the legend goes.



Curriculum (NM):

First off, Suck It!
Second, Suck It! embodies CC.com philosophy. It's concise, poignant, insightful, sincere, and pithy. Not to mention it's safe from being Corral material because it's bisyllabic.

How to Construct Explosive Insults and Profound Put Downs. (Course ID: SUKIT 301)

Let's start by examining this "foaming pipesnake" idea which you have put forth for consideration. Honestly, I don't find it very striking. One of the main elements to a good insult is the presence of short vowels followed by hard consonants. Start with a labial affricate, then an open round or unround vowel, followed by a velar plosive. The psychological connotations of this combination are congruous for many languages and you'll notice all English curses have this in common. "Foaming pipesnake" lacks impact. It needs umph. It needs velar consonants.

It's better to stick with the basics when inventing new insults and curse combinations. Take what you already know and seek new combinations. For beginners a word bank may be helpful. One is included with your course materials. First start with simple two word combinations. For beginning two word combinations, shorter nouns are preferred:

Ass Beast
Slap Dick
Cock Whore
Ass Clown
Suck It
Flea Cock

And so on. If you are ready to try the next level, you may proceed to three and four syllable two-word combinations. Again, stick to what you know and look for innovative combinations. The vowel-consonant rules still apply:

Donkey Raper
Ass Ferret
Cock Turkey
Rectum Jester
Whiffle Dick

The rest of this course is focused on proper integration and usage of the two to four syllable compounds in everyday speech. By the end of your final exam you should have mastered the concepts underlying insult phonology and feel comfortable with their use. You will then be ready to proceed to SUKIT 325.

Topics addressed in SUKIT 325:

-Advanced phonology

-Advanced compounds:
The five syllable three-word combination

-The value of obscure allusions like "mushroom stamp" and "chocolate starfish"

-Social Repercussions of the six syllable four-word combination, or “haiku.”
The haiku is the rarest, most intricate, and melodious of the insults. The linguistics of haikus such as “cock thieving ass vandal” and “limp wristed ass eater” are still scrutinized by scholars.



Legal Guidance (JWL):

I get a big laugh out of sensitivity training and all of its attendant bullshit coddling. I do agree that civility has its place, but we live in a world where sometimes you get nothing done being nice and compliant. I think putting up with too much bullshit has empowered morons to the point to where they think it is OK to sue an employer who fires them for wearing a goddamn tongue ring to work. I’m all for tongue rings, but not in the workplace (well, I like it in some workplaces, but that’s another story) and I fail to see how this puts you in any kind of protected class. Someone should give this fool and her attorney a dope slap and send them on their way. Of course, this won’t happen as we are too damn polite to enact laws or “loser pays” provisions to prevent this kind of “fling it against the wall and see if it sticks” kind of lawsuit.
I find a certain release comes with the “Suck It!” warrior mantra that can be matched only by the sensation of cleanly laid pass on the track or a clean lay for that matter. I got into it with a certain Ass Vandal a few months back when he accused me of being a money-raping charlatan who was draining most of the SoCal driving enthusiast population with the outrageous entry fees we were charging at our events. Needless to say, a quick dig into my sack o’ facts proved him wrong, but he kept going like some sort of crack-smoking gibbon hard-wired into a keyboard devoid of punctuation keys.

To avoid blowing out a blood vessel or three, I furiously typed nasty things on the forums about him and privately discussed my opinions with friends and colleagues that he buggered ferrets and had a predilection for frotteurism at kiddie parks. This all made me feel much better - the “Suck It!” therapy at its best.

If I had been nice and willing to give up in the name of decorum, I probably would have whacked someone innocent upside the head if they had the audacity to ask if I’d like to “Super Size” my combo meal. (SMACK! NO I DON’T WANT TO SUPER SIZE IT. SMACK. I WOULD HAVE ASKED YOUR BITCH-ASS FOR THE SUPER SIZE IF I WANTED THE MOTHER IN THE FIRST PLACE. SMACK. DOES YOUR MOM KNOW SHE HAS KIDS THIS DUMB? SMACK. YOU SHAMELESS INSTRUMENT OF MARKETING PROPAGANDA AND MIND CONTROL. SMACK. Uh, actually I think I would like the large. Sorry about all that. My bad. It’s just stress and not being able to say “Suck It!” enough. Some ice ought to take that swelling down pretty quickly.)

So, my vote is to vent spleens when needed, but be ready to back your shit up with the conviction and slight zealotry the CC.com warrior ethic demands. I’m not advocating smack without provocation, but if you feel something is bullshit, say so, damn it, in explicit terms. None of that watered-down screed for me, thanks. I’ll take it straight up with no chaser (I remind you that this is not a gay sex reference for the perverts in the audience). I am pleased to bring the Wild Turkey to the training session so we can “Shoot the Bird” while we learn how to more effectively get the “Suck It!” message out there.



Feedback Session (BP):

I've been sifting through some of the feedback from the most appropriately named Feedback Session and, quite frankly, a few things concerned me.

Right off the top of my head, the correlation of the Suck It! way of life to career enhancement is a positive one. That's right...positive. Many of us are attorneys, financiers, engineers, etc. Just like nobody wants to see their stockbroker driving around in a '79 Fairmont, absolutely nobody wants an attorney who's afraid to say Suck It!. Nobody wants to use products developed by engineers who were afraid to say Suck It! because they don't want compromised solutions. We are soldiers, damn it, walking around cloaked in our success and bravado.

Sean and I have come to the swift conclusion that our impending legal careers weren't ever going to be fast-tracked to the bench of any respectable court. It's going to be an easy appeal when counsel learns that their bench was once quoted publicly advocating the sticking of shaved toothbrushes in the throats of unsuspecting members of the "lesser third" intellectual movement. If that isn't grounds for a capacity issue, the fact that we advocate imprinting the tips of our manhood on opposing parties' foreheads should close the deal. Oh well, when Suck It! isn't accepted, we always have Fuck It!. (Note: Please don't confuse this with the Fuck It! definition in Day 3's course notes. That definition isn't a philosophical one, but one more appropriate when trying to convince the fairer sex of our terms in this walk we call life.)

The last point of feedback I want to address actually falls into the Day 2 material. It appears that many of you have tried John Lindsey's suggested Fist Full of Genitalia (FFOG!) approach to communicating the Suck It! movement but you haven't had so much luck using said demonstration when the target is too close to fully exhibit it. This is where our next lesson comes in...the hailed Mushroom Stamp!.

The Mushroom Stamp! is our thunder to their lightning. If you try to repress our movement, you'll be rewarded with a THWACK! and a headache as our manhood makes you feel like Troy Aikman staring down the barrel of the Eagles defensive line.

Let's get into technique:

1) Warn the potential victim of their impending doom.

2) If the aforementioned warning is received adequately, put your hands together below your belt and frame your weapon. This is also a great time to say some cool shit like, "Do you read The Bible?" or "Do you want it in the head or the gut?"

3) This is where it gets hairy. If the person has not subdued, you unzip and extract the weapon of destruction. (Note: If you are a female, it is still possible to do this. Just use the vibrator in your purse.)

4) Proceed to swing it around and effectively lull them to sleep with this hypnotizing motion.

5) Then, when you're about to strike, yell "Hey, look. It's Superman!". When the defenses are down, THWACK! to the forehead.

6) Place an anonymous call to 911.

I've given you all the tools, gentlemen. It's up to you to use them. Lastly, when asked about Suck It! you must leave the room immediately. We're very Skull & Bones like that.

Suck It! or Fuck It!. Just don't Tease It!.



Track Usage of Suck It! (BP):

Day 3 course material for CC.com Sensitivity Training can be found in the back of your manuals in the chapter entitled: Track Usage of Suck it!

I can't even begin to size up the response you'll get using Suck It! in testosterone-charged environments. This is where our movement is frequently challenged by other famous modern-era social phenoms such as Jigga What!?!, Bitch, Please!, and the oldest social bully of them all, the Motherfucker! scene.

Don't worry, though. We've allied with these fine gentlemen of dignity and signed The NMB Accord. We stand unified to with our fraternal brethren to promote No More Bullshit! at events everywhere. We've also formed a co-ed softball team comprised of NMB men and F1 Babes. The season schedule was done alphabetically, so our first game is against NMBLA, the National Man Boy Love Association.

Now that I've predicated our social plight in alternative arenas, I'd like to get back to Open Track and Autocross events. This is where our competitive advantages exist and where Suck It! will likely be employed with aplomb.

The general course of progression is to start at autocross events and work your way up to OT events. Autocross events are chock-full of idiots who deserve Suck It! more than Devine Brown. These are guys who think they are great drivers because they can change lanes at over 80mph on the highway. They show up to autocrosses and try such all-time great moves as: the parking lot burnout, blasting their stereos, doing a lot of crack, and proclaiming how much downforce is generated by their Huge Ass Wings at autocross speeds.

The only responsible NMB thing to do is to take them aside, rip off your shirt like Hulk Hogan, flex, yell Suck It!, and proceed to bludgeon them to death with a Renaissance Festival-sized Turkey Leg. This is the only way to keep any dignity left in autocrossing and to make sure that skin cancer you just got can be justified in some way, shape, or form.

Now that you've utilized Suck It! at an autocross for a few events, you're ready to move up to the OT events. There's a different breed of Ass Clown at OT events. These people have a little bit of coin and some Social Register status, but they don't, as Vince Lombardi would say, "act like they've been there".

Examples of OT Ass Clowns are as follows:

1) The guy in the 993 Twin Turbo Porsche who eats lunch with his driving gloves on. We like to approach this jack-off with, "Pardon me, sir. Do you have any Grey Poupon?" followed by the thunderous THWACK of a Mushroom Stamp!

2) The Blue/Yellow Flag Idiot. This is the guy in the Miata (or 914) who won't let you pass on the straights. He's typically a homosexual, as well, so be careful with the Suck It! and this is probably the one guy you wouldn't blow kisses to as you're passing him, too. The problem, aside from the squandered progress of a nice lap, is that this guy is out there for "a drive" and doesn't heed the passing flags at multiple corner stations. You have two avenues of approach here: pass him without his wave (unsafe and not recommended) or slowly work your way up to the rear of his car and push him down the track at a pace more desirable to you. Again, be careful. He's a Butt Pirate and likes muscle at his bumper. At the end of the session, it's recommended not to head into the crapper the same time as this moron. Those holes in the stall aren't always where old toilet paper rings were hung.

3) The Gate God. This is the moron at the front gate of the track. He makes a pronounced effort to get this job because it's the one way he can get back at the socio-economic elite. He may also be an off-duty cop so it's not advisable to tell call him a snatch and proceed to launch rocks at his car with a smoky burnout (I did this once and Mark and I were almost hauled off to jail.) Anyhoo, when met my his hatred of capitalism, try your best to just quell the anger and let the transaction happen. Unfortunately, it's not likely to be that easy. He's likely to give you some attitude at which time, it's NMB-appropriate to say "Thank you, sir, for your hospitality and grace. It's not everyday I handle a transaction with a gentlemen as learned in the theory of...THWACK! THWACK!" Stick your head out the window and look back at the fellow OT'ers, give a thumbs up, and accelerate at a brisk pace into the track yelling Suck It! as if you were Roy Rogers riding into town.

4) The Warm Up Lap Hero, aka John Hennessey. All you can really do here is keep a safe distance and then engage in fisticuffs upon the session's end. If you want to take a page out of Provost's Viper Tuner playbook, you can assume the patented JWL position of Fist Full of Genitalia (FFOG!) and yell "Hey, Dickhead. Your car's on fire again!" and then scratching the back of your head with your middle finger. It's also funny to attempt to put out said Venom650 engine fire by urinating in that direction.

CLASS ADJOURNED!!!
So Stay cool.